OK! So after my last post, I decided I should really get out of this misery. And after reading it, I thought I was pretty pathetic. Darn.
How could I let someone do that to me?
My friends will definitely kill me if they saw that post. This is exactly the thing that we have been avoiding. We wanted men to fall for us, not the other way around. Yes, I am perhaps the only hopeless romantic in the group. To be honest, my friends, are more into sex than love, I guess, that's what you should do in your twenties, huh?! At least that what JR told me one time: "We;re still young and beautiful girl, let's make the most out of it. We can fall in love after our twenties,". Well, we are already in our last year in our twenties, and I know, I know, that shouldn't be an excuse. In fact that should BE the reason why I shouldn't fall in love for now. Haaaa, I'm even more confused. I have got to stop thinking.
I'll update you more later. Right now, I'm too stressed to continue.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Mr. Baloney
Unrequited love is probably the worse. Especially when you can't tell your friends about it. Well, not because you can't, probably more like you're not comfortable talking about it. It makes you feel like a looser. Which I guess is valid at some point. People say "it's his lost", but why does it feel like it's yours?
My friends have strong personalities, I wonder why we don't clash-- well we actually do, from time-to-time. But in relation with unrequited love, they'd just probably tell me to move on (which they already have). The thing is, I have been communicating with this guy, let's just call him Mr. Baloney, I met online (and yet another red flag for my friends). And things have been smooth really, until last March. He suddenly lost interest, and I have no idea why. To make the long story short, right now he thinks that we should stop talking for a while. I'm not sure what that means, to be honest?
What does "I think we should not talk for a while" exactly mean? Because for all I know, that is another way of saying "forget me". Now, that I could not understand. How can someone say something like that when prior to everything, he was complimenting you and flirting with you. And has lead you on so that you think you might have a chance at forever with him. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe my friends are right, I am someone who has problems letting go. And I am fully aware of that.
It took me TEN years to finally let go of the first one. We'll I'm not the crazy type who would stalk him or anything, but I was not able to smile for that long of a time. I didn't want to go out with anyone, except maybe with my friends. And I most definitely did not want to be dated by anyone. And the only thing that interested me in men was sex-- that's it. I was vicious, no matter how good looking the guy was, or how interested he maybe, I would only go out with him for one-night stand. Literally, one night. No more second takes. It was like I was closing my doors to every other men out there. Self-destruction at it's finest.
I have tried so hard not to have a repeat of that again. I wish I was more like my friend, Geri, she has been in love with this guy at work, Johnny. Johnny, of course, doesn't know she has feelings for her. And to be honest, I am not sure if the guy is platonic to her. She tells me they'd hold hands from time to time on a whim, and they have been close for some time, and have shared intimate things, nothing sexual though. I remember her telling me one time when an intensity 7 earthquake hit their city, Johnny and her were under their desks and holding hands, praying that this is not the last day of their lives. She on the other hand, has praying for something more. She actually wanted to tell him how he actually felt for the guy, and that something would perhaps happen-- yes, sexually. She has managed to stop herself though, maybe she knew they'd live through that. And they did. I admire people like Geri. They can still think clearly, even in life threatening situations like that.
On the flip side, I am an artist, and I can't even hold an pencil because of this baggage I am carrying. I cannot pick my shattered pieces to even begin to think straight. Me, blinded by what is not even a possibility. I ask myself, what exactly am I holding on too? What am I still hoping for? I mean the guy already said that I have no chance at love or a long-term relationship with him, and that the most he can give is his friendship- which, I guess we still are (in Facebook).
Why do I still remind myself of those words he has said to me in the past? Those words that made my heart skip a beat, those words that made me smile even if I didn't want too. Because yes, there are only two people who has made me smile like that. The first one, I have already moved on, and the second, well, he still does, to be honest.
I wish I was like my friend, Geri. Then I would be able to move on easier. I guess, there is no cure for unrequited love. I guess, it is just a matter of knowing when to move on. In my case though, it's always been an "if". And I hate that.
What does "I think we should not talk for a while" exactly mean? Because for all I know, that is another way of saying "forget me". Now, that I could not understand. How can someone say something like that when prior to everything, he was complimenting you and flirting with you. And has lead you on so that you think you might have a chance at forever with him. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe my friends are right, I am someone who has problems letting go. And I am fully aware of that.
It took me TEN years to finally let go of the first one. We'll I'm not the crazy type who would stalk him or anything, but I was not able to smile for that long of a time. I didn't want to go out with anyone, except maybe with my friends. And I most definitely did not want to be dated by anyone. And the only thing that interested me in men was sex-- that's it. I was vicious, no matter how good looking the guy was, or how interested he maybe, I would only go out with him for one-night stand. Literally, one night. No more second takes. It was like I was closing my doors to every other men out there. Self-destruction at it's finest.
I have tried so hard not to have a repeat of that again. I wish I was more like my friend, Geri, she has been in love with this guy at work, Johnny. Johnny, of course, doesn't know she has feelings for her. And to be honest, I am not sure if the guy is platonic to her. She tells me they'd hold hands from time to time on a whim, and they have been close for some time, and have shared intimate things, nothing sexual though. I remember her telling me one time when an intensity 7 earthquake hit their city, Johnny and her were under their desks and holding hands, praying that this is not the last day of their lives. She on the other hand, has praying for something more. She actually wanted to tell him how he actually felt for the guy, and that something would perhaps happen-- yes, sexually. She has managed to stop herself though, maybe she knew they'd live through that. And they did. I admire people like Geri. They can still think clearly, even in life threatening situations like that.
On the flip side, I am an artist, and I can't even hold an pencil because of this baggage I am carrying. I cannot pick my shattered pieces to even begin to think straight. Me, blinded by what is not even a possibility. I ask myself, what exactly am I holding on too? What am I still hoping for? I mean the guy already said that I have no chance at love or a long-term relationship with him, and that the most he can give is his friendship- which, I guess we still are (in Facebook).
Why do I still remind myself of those words he has said to me in the past? Those words that made my heart skip a beat, those words that made me smile even if I didn't want too. Because yes, there are only two people who has made me smile like that. The first one, I have already moved on, and the second, well, he still does, to be honest.
I wish I was like my friend, Geri. Then I would be able to move on easier. I guess, there is no cure for unrequited love. I guess, it is just a matter of knowing when to move on. In my case though, it's always been an "if". And I hate that.
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